Rewrite - Traffic Fun

 Inspired by Daniel Johnson, The Canadian Press, “Greater Toronto commuters are likely bracing for traffic and transit congestion to worsen…” (Sept. 2, 2025).

Traffic Fun

TORONTO — Toronto’s traffic is so bad right now that even Google Maps has started saying, “Bro, just don’t.” And it’s only about to get worse, because the banks and Rogers want everyone back in the office. That’s right—Scotiabank is demanding four days a week. Which is adorable, because if you’ve ever tried to cross King Street at rush hour, it’s basically four days already.

Jennifer Keesmaat, former chief planner, says traffic is “at a tipping point.” I think it tipped ages ago. Toronto traffic is like a TTC escalator—broken, backed up, and someone always crying on the way down.

The Board of Trade says the problem is there are more cars on Toronto roads than ever before. Over a million more in two decades. Which makes sense, because if you’ve ever sat on the Gardiner, it feels like the entire GTA is parked in front of you, each in their own leased SUV.

And then there’s the TTC, which says it’s ready to handle the extra passengers. Yeah, sure. That’s like Doug Ford saying he’s ready for a spin class. They claim Mondays and Fridays are quiet on the subway. Which is true. Mondays are dead because half the city’s still recovering from a Raptors game, and Fridays are empty because everyone’s “working from home”—which means Lakeshore patio with a laptop open to Excel.

The Premier insists people are “more productive” in person. Of course he does. He’s the only guy who thinks sitting on the DVP for two hours makes you a better worker. Productivity? By the time you get to the office, the only thing you’ve produced is three empty Tim Hortons cups and a new set of swear words.

But the real kicker is this: downtown businesses are thrilled. They’re calling it a godsend. Because nothing says “economic recovery” like forcing accountants to buy $19 poke bowls on Bay Street again.

And finally, Toronto officials promise they’re tackling congestion with “strategies.” Translation: they’ve struck a task force, hired a consultant, and then gone for drinks on a King Street patio that’s still blocking the bike lane.

So yes, Toronto’s about to get even more congested. But don’t worry—if you miss your morning meeting, just tell your boss: “I wasn’t late, I was part of the city’s pilot project on stationary commuting.”

https://joe-average123.blogspot.com/2025/09/rewrite-traffic-fun.html