Wednesday, June 4th, 2025
Today I waved the white flag and surrendered to the Passport Portal from Hell. What began as a simple quest—renew passport online—quickly became an Olympic event in absurdity, where the hurdles are invisible, constantly shifting, and multiply the longer you stare at the screen.
First, there’s the labyrinth of “official-looking” websites, most of which seem designed to test your patience, not provide information. After dodging scams and decoys, I finally landed on what appeared to be the actual government site—congratulations, me!—only to discover that access is doled out like it’s front-row tickets to a Taylor Swift concert. Limited slots. No warning. Line opens at 7:00 a.m. sharp.
At 7:10 a.m., I logged in like a naïve optimist. Too late. The line was full. Apparently, if you're not already logged in by 7:00:00.01 a.m. you may as well be dead to the system.
Still, I pressed on, because hope is the last thing to die. After several mornings of digital whack-a-mole, I got in. Victory? No—initiation. To apply for a passport, one must first "create an account". But not just one. No, no. There are other accounts you must first create to get permission to create "the actual" account. Each comes with ten pages of fine print and a riddle whispered by a bureaucratic Sphinx.
They "say: you can speed things up by linking your online banking. Yes, just give the government access to your finances and in return, they’ll give hackers access to all your documents in a future data breach. A great deal—for someone who enjoys identity theft as a hobby.
But I was already committed. I made the account. I fed it my soul. I finally reached the portal—the hallowed gateway to passport renewal—and… timed out. System booted me. Queue full. Try again tomorrow. Same bat time, same bat hell.
At this point, even as a disabled person, I’m seriously considering going "in person". Of course, that assumes such a thing still exists in 2025. From what I hear, physical service counters are now mostly holograms or broom closets staffed by ghosts.
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